4 Good Reasons to Become a Cannibal

With the New Year officially here, many of us are combating chilly weather, love handles and crowded gym parking lots. For those of us in colder climates though, snow is piling up and we stand a good chance of being snowed in with our friends and family.

 

Nine times out of ten, you can expect to be trapped indoors for less than a week, but for longer durations, things can start to get a little desperate. When the pantry is rendered bare and Uncle Phil’s scouting party is presumed claimed by the blizzard outside, I want you to think about this list. The decision to eat the other, other white meat might save your life… the same can’t be said for everybody else’s though.

 

So read ahead to get a leg up on the competition.

 

#1. You can now invite people over for dinner AND a first-hand lesson in the meaning of situational irony.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#2. That guy at work that you hate.

 

 

 

 

#3. Those damned kids will stay off your lawn… for good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

#4. You might actually turn into a Wendigo and gain super-powers.

 

 

Some Native American folklore suggests that the act of eating human flesh would turn a person into a ravenous, immortal beast possessed of supernatural strength, speed and resilience. The only downside is the persistent and unnatural hunger for human flesh, oh and something about losing all of your humanity or some other nonsense.

 

Anyway, I’ve put it into a pro/ con chart for you…

 

 

…so being a Wendigo is pretty awesome if you don’t mind having an ever-lasting case of the munchies and possibly ditching that pesky soul thing. I mean, really, what has your soul done for you lately?

 

I hope these four reasons make the decision to eat your friends and loved ones a little easier when the time comes. Bon appetit!

 

THE END.

 

P.S. The underwhelmer does not endorse eating people. Well, unless they’re bad people; then it’s just a neutral act… I guess.

 

P.P.S I almost forgot! Here’s a little known fact: Were-beavers and Wendigos are BFFs.

 

 

*They love to go around like Master Blaster.  I’d love to see Mel Gibson win against this in the Thunder Dome.

49 thoughts on “4 Good Reasons to Become a Cannibal

  1. I spend my time thinking about the Donner party; you find ways to translate cannibalism into the modern age. I sense a kindred soul. That is, unless we’re both Wendigos. Then I sense a kindred soulless immortal beast.

  2. Love the disclaimer. One can never be careful enough in these sue-crazy times. Imagine someone does get eaten and his surviving family members, although perfectly happy to finally be rid of him, come after you just to top up the wonderful news with getting all of your money. Now, we wouldn’t want that, would we?

  3. I’ll do my best to remember this next time it snows 5 feet.

    I all of a sudden lost my appetite for dinner…we were having steak. I’m thinking pizza might be good instead.

  4. Hello and Happy New Year! Couldn’t stop laughing at the hillbilly farmer cartoon “if you happen to fall in a puddle of meat tenderizer…”

  5. Mel stands no chance with those odds. It would be a terrible and beautiful thing to watch. Good work sir!

    And dont forget human meat is the best meat for humans

  6. Gee thanks! Here in the greater Boston area, we just endured a completely snowless December, so reading your tribute to cannibalism has me feeling frustrated and angry! When will I get MY chance to eat a relative? Huh? But January is a new month and a new year, so my hope is renewed that THIS will be the month that I’ll have one less mouth to feed, because I finally get to fill my own mouth with the person that mouth formerly belonged to! YEAH!!! LOL :-)

  7. I would absolutely eat people to death if I could. And you know the old saying: if underwhelmer says you should do it, it’s totally legal. Win!

    • Hmm… That gives me a good idea Cakes and Shakes. I should put that in my header. You know the part where it says, “just another wordpress.com site” at the top?

      “Live, Nerd, Repeat”
      Another Kickass WordPress Blog

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