Hi everybody! I’m not dead. At least, I don’t think so anyway. So far, I can still grab doorknobs and other objects without my hand phasing through them so that’s a good sign.
Speaking of grabbing things in the house, I got up yesterday and made a huuuuge breakfast. When it was all done, I did what I always do and just put all the pots, pans and dishes in the sink to “soak”.
I got up this morning and saw a dirty pile of greasy dishes in the sink and I realized that I suck at being an adult. I truly had no real expectations to do these dishes at all this weekend. Instead, I have these expectations that, one day, I’m just going to morph into a person who actually wants to be responsible. After some horribly accurate introspection, I discovered the ugly truth is that I have a very strong desire to be hugely irresponsible and do as little as possible all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I still put my pants on and go to work everyday.
Well, most days anyway.
I handle the big stuff like paying bills and whatnot, but I find it’s the little things that I slack on. I find that I lie to and convince myself that what I’m doing is responsible or frugal or (insert positive adjective here) and not just a by-product of outright laziness.
I think it all comes down to this disconnect that I have with what I think will happen vs. what actually happens.
I’ve dubbed this the W.I.T.H (What I Think will Happen) vs. W.A.H. (What Actually Happens) phenomenon. Enjoy.
I’ll do the dishes after they soak so I don’t have to scrub so hard.
Here’s what I think will happen.
Here’s what actually happens.
Those damn things sit there for about a week and a kraken hatches.
I’ll wash the car after it rains so I’ll have less pollen or whatever to rinse off.
I think nature will go out of its way and help me clean my car.
Sadly, it doesn’t rain for months and my car is covered in all manner of shit.
I’ll set my alarm thirty minutes early so I can have the time to enjoy a nice breakfast and put myself into a ridiculously cheery mood, complete with singing.
Here’s what happens instead… I hit snooze until the last minute and have a spoonful of peanut butter and some vitamins like an anorexic model. I’m so tired that I can’t even be angry. I just look back at my life in a moment of quiet, painful reflection.
I convince myself that I’ll take out the trash & recycling once all cans are full so I’m more efficient with my time and energy.
Here’s what really happens; the wine and liquor bottles fill the glass bin exponentially faster than all other types of recycling and my neighbors get to see how much of an irresponsible drunk I actually am.
I think I’ll update my blog every Sunday so my thousands of subscribers will continue to like me.
But, here’s what I do… I finish every Sunday the exact same way they start; with a bottle of whiskey and no pants.
P.S. Sometimes a little bit of writing gets done on Sundays.
P.P.S. Usually not a lot, unfortunately. I still want us to be friends though. Here, I made a smiley face for you…